Lest anyone think that this album release stuff is just one high point after another (as the heavy promotion I’ve been doing over the past week may imply), here’s an excerpt from a journal entry I wrote earlier today.
The Dwelling Place Project release concert is less than 24 hours away. I’m so excited! I’m so terrified!
Crazy thoughts flying through my mind. What if nobody comes? What if we don’t sell any CDs? What if I blow the songs? What if I say something stupid and make a complete fool of myself?
I can try to ignore these feelings, but if I do that, they’ll invariably just come out sideways at the ones I love. I need to get drain away this swirling vortex and find peace. I know it’s there for the taking. Jesus said so.
I read a great article by Bob Kauflin yesterday about leading (music and worship) to impress people versus leading to serve them. This piece is oh so timely, and I am finding it a balm to my nervous soul. Here are some direct applications.
- If I’m leading to serve, it doesn’t matter how many people come to the concert. We’ll do our very best to engage, inspire, and challenge anyone who is present.
- If I’m leading to serve, it doesn’t matter if we sell any CDs. We’re doing this to support something much bigger than me and my puny little album anyway. And God is faithful to fulfill His calling to us; He will provide (and is providing) the funds we need to adopt.
- If I’m leading to serve, I’ll chose my words to edify those who are listening, not to try to make myself look funny or like I’ve got it all together. I’ll be vulnerable and authentic, and I’ll be grateful to God and to the people who are generous enough to spend their Saturday evening on my family and our story.
- If I’m leading to serve, I’ll keep in mind that it’s not about me. This will take the pressure off, and I’ll be free to relax and enjoy playing and singing, which means that I’ll be more likely to do a good job.
Deep down though, I’m afraid that a lackluster release concert with low attendance and marginal sales will mean that I am a failure. This is a hard one to battle. In my mind, I know it’s not true, but this success-equals-value mentality is something I’ve wrestled with for my whole life. How do I live out the truth in my head so that it fills my heart?
Maybe it just comes down to this — I need to do my very best with courage and honesty and joy, and trust God to work out the rest according to His will. It’s out of my hands anyhow. I want to be fully present in each moment of this event; it’s what I’ve been waiting for, dreaming of, praying for. And I know are others who are just as excited and looking forward to it, and we can celebrate together, whether there are 20 or 200 of us.
Prayers appreciated. And I am SO looking forward to seeing you – well, hopefully a bunch of you – tomorrow night!